Wow, I was depressed a year ago when I wrote this. Glad I feel different now.

So much love inside, somehow stored up within me.

Heart wants to find a deeper harmony with everything within and without.  And an exhilirating action and immediacy from that harmony.

A vague, unresolved sadness sometimes clouds the heart.  Sometimes the heart shines through.

Heart wants to find a deeper harmony with everything within and without.  A deeper acceptance of self.  A harmony beyond what I like and what I don’t.  A harmony as a deeper acceptance of self, of mistakes made and regrets bourne.  Harmony with all days and moods good and bad/stupid and brilliant.

“And an exhilirating new action and immediacy from within that harmony.”

More action and living immediacy from that harmony.

From the suppleness of that harmony and from the looseness of self-acceptance comes a greater capacity for action and adventure.  Lucidity and spontaneity.

Sadness sometimes clouds the heart and frames one’s thoughts (almost imperceptibly) until the heart shines through.

Sadness sometimes clouds the soul and frames one’s thoughts, until the full heart can shine through.

Yes, that above thought came from deep down.  I’ve been noticing how a sadness sometimes haunts me.  Maybe I notice it more now as it seems to be breaking down and fading.  It likes to come at me when I’m lying in bed, vulnerable and half awake.  Maybe its just leftover sadness from accumulated life, half-resolved and cloud-like.  Like an energetic slime that sticks.  Music has become more painful in the last five years.  Having gained more experience in the world, I know it’s pains.  Old songs come back with added pain and meaning, yet sound even better because of this.  Like “That’s The Way,” by Led Zeppelin sounds better than ever.  I hear that musical, knowing salt in worldly wounds.  But then again, knowing yourself better through time (or knowing nothing at other times?), the heart can shine through, accept and encompass that sadness.  There’s a temptation to face all that sadness, to rush into it like into a violent storm.  Shine and burn through it.  Rise and break the whispering, muttering spell of it.

The mind speaks the wishes of the heart.  But are these words always accurate? Sometimes more than others.

August 21, 2012